To a lover, by Astrid

by Astrid, January 6, 2007. Poetry.

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January 3, 2007

To a lover

You never spoke a word
Or, yes, once you said: “I love you”
And I rejected it
And did not believe you
Of course not
But you moved like a cat
And so I stretched my body
Under yours and relaxed and
Looked into your eyes
The first time you touched me
We never spoke a word
And still…
You left without a word
After I sat frozen
We looked at each other
That last hour
And then you left
Quietly, with determination
And I thought, I would forget you
But I can’t
I never did
And now I know
That when I travel
It is because
I’ll try to find you
Your body, your memory, your eyes, your touch…
Maybe I will not find you
But I will think of you
When I see the setting sun
And how you said “I love you”
And I did not believe you
But you are in my blood
And I can hear it’s call…it’s cry…
I am going to the mountains
And in my dream
I see your eyes
I wonder if I’ll find you
Or if there will be pain
Or forgetting and release
Or whether I will hear
My blood calling
And follow it’s voice
Into the desert or the wild
And how I’ll feel
When I return
Without you
One more time.



January 9.2007

One night stand

We used to call it “ex and hop”
In the days before recycling
When wasting bottles was a new concept
And was thought to be a nifty thing.
“Ex and hop”, you said
and cheerfully
tossed the bottle into the trash
after you emptied it.
“Ex and hop” was meant to make your life more fun
and forgetting easier.
You did not invest into the bottle
Needed no space to keep it
Tried not to preserve it
To get back your pennies later.

Now we have recycling
We preserve our bottles
But “ex and hop” has moved on
To a new level…
It’s not called “ex and hop”
But it’s still one of the new concepts
So it seems
To grab and drain and discard
With nonchalance
And “ex and hop” is “cool”
Fast consumption is where it’s at
And you do not invest into
What contains your pleasure
It is exchangeable
You simply get a new one
When you have emptied the last drop
Or even long before that
Resources are limited so
We now again preserve our bottles
But in a crowded city
I guess, you
Never run out of people
When doing your ex and hop thing
And the outcome of having so much thoughtless pleasure
Is for the next generation to worry about.

“Let’s have fun”
You say
“Let’s hop, you know where
and be my ex tomorrow.
No need to reserve a space in
your heart for me
let’s just grab and drain
with nonchalance”,
and you cheerfully pass
like a tourist
over the wasteland
of each other’s hearts.



March 25.2007

To a lover, part two and three

When I woke up from this long sleep
I looked into your eyes and
Saw the morning sun.
And I ran to it
Like a freezing child

When you held me in your arms
I was shaking
Coming out of the cold
And my body
Shivering still.

When you spoke to me
I listened to your voice
And felt a river
A cool river
Running through me

I open to you
Like a flower in the morning sun.

Pain can also
Be beautiful
When it is in the heart

You cannot hear me talk
But the echo of my words
Is searching you

I feel as old
As the story of Prometheus
Being chained to the mountain

But it is not the eagle
That I feel
In my heart
It is you.



March 26.2007

Life / To a lover part 4

Il est un homme fatal
Il est si grand, si beau
Il m’a donne une maladie infernale
Je le sens dans ma peau.

He is a fatal man
He is so tall, so beautiful
He has given me a fatal illness
I feel it inside my skin.



April 15.2007


Empty hollow in the sky
Where the moon used to be
Darkness burning us like fire
Sunrays turning inward
Making their way back to up high
Eyelids closing
Views turned inward
Searching in my heart
For you.

Shivers running down my skin
Distant memories of touch
Of a hand sending warmth
Into my body
Heat rising in my stomach
Curling, flowing up the spine
Distant sound of a slithering snake
That once rose to meet the
Morning light
I catch my breath
In the echo of delight…



May 6.2007

Morning hours

When the first rays of sun
Hit my body
I will get up from those crumpled sheets
After another night of little sleep
I will raise my arms and scream
And may the wind carry my voice
Across the ocean and the planes
To the one who I want to hear it
And I will be shouting from this beach:
“Hey ! Can you hear me? Do you know
that I have just got up
from another sleepless night
thrown about between bliss and worries
and insanity?”
Yesterday I heard some woman say,
That there is no bigger crime than
Stealing someone’s heart.
It made me smile.



May 30.2007

Love’s Prayer

Good Lord
Thresh me like a chaff of wheat
Til only grains are left
Purify me
Through bliss or through pain
Thresh me into oblivion
Til I feel nothing but
The rhythm and the pulse of your hand

Knead me like a dough
To make a loaf of bread
To feed the hungry people
Through surrender or though pain
Through pressure or through letting go
Knead me into oblivion
Til I feel nothing but
My rhythm and my heartbeat
In your hand

Kneading me
Good Lord
Form me into what you want me
To be
So that I can serve you
Better and to forget myself
In giving you my love.

For, Lord,
I have been longing
To do this
I have wanted nothing but
To disappear
To return to that state
Of oblivion and bliss
Living, not for myself
But for you
For the laws of love
And at your service
Til eternity



May 31.2007


Why does the height of tenderness
Feel so close to pain
Why does the soothing hand
Feel burned by the skin it touches
Why does compassion
Tear at your heart?

Is tenderness not
What we feel for our own wounds
When we see them in others?
The sorrow of watching someone’s torment
Reminds us of the throes of pain
We suffer in our own
Dark night of the soul.

Let the doors of my heart
Break down when
I touch you
Let the walls of my chest
Break down when I reach
To embrace you
Let the bars of the cage
Around my soul bend
To set me free
To be happy and forget
The boundaries of existence
For a while

Til I return to
Wear this ball and chain
Of duties and of struggle
To survive and to get by

But Lord, allow me
To escape
From prison
Every once in a while to unburden my heart
To lighten my life
To put laughter on my lips.



Septmeber 19.2007

A crack in the sky

When the moon beams reach the sea
Is when I’ll see you again
When the orange sunburst fills the darkened sky
Is when I’ll hear your voice
Shouting my name
When the poppies have long wilted
And the violets are
Piercing their petals
Through the melting snow
Is when I will feel your hands on my skin
When the sky turns red
And the birds are silent
And the thunderclouds gather behind the horizon
Is when I will feel your lips touch my ear
When the lightning cracks
And the thunder rolls
Is when I will cry your name

I see a black crow’s wings
Beating over the valley
Taking my heart away
She has stolen it
For better or for worse
And I am in the shadows
Leave, get out of my ears
Your name is in my throat
Let me breathe
Or I cannot wait til the
Violets come.



Septmeber 19.2007

“The scream”

By Edvard Munch, reiterated

Holding my ears
I scream
And it reverberates
From every street corner
Where the whores are waiting
For a few men to waste
Yet another hour of
Their lives

Holding my ears
I scream
And it reverberates
From the chest of every woman
Who ever loved a man
Whose beauty pierced her heart
Like an arrow
Hitting a deer’s flank
Paralyzing it
Stopping it from running
Back into the green
Where it lives and breathes
Leaving it stranded on an awning
Helpless and open to men
Who try to do fortunetelling
With it’s entrails.

She can hear
Their mad laughter
And her eyes shine in panic
But the moon has mercy on her
And darkens the sky
Enough for her to run away
Before being killed by
Maniacs and madmen
For the sake of
Stupidity’s survival.



More poetry by Astrid: Rules of Addiction | Homesick

Published with permission.

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